Couchsurfing In Homes With Young Children
The CouchSurfing Wiki, an informal workspace which anyone can edit.
Contents |
How To Be A Great Guest With Your Host's Young Children
tips from artemisia butterfly and her son, the fabulous bodhi shine
Introductions
Your host has had the opportunity to read your profile, peruse your pictures, and most likely exchange several e-mails with your prior to your arrival. The host's children may not have had such an opportunity to feel you out before hand. Greet the entire host family when you get there, but take special care in introducing yourself to the kids. Acknowledging them as your host and thanking them for sharing their home with you empowers them and lets them know that you are considering them as well. Get down to eye level when communicating with small children. You are more accessible at their height and will seem much more inviting. Some children are slower to warm-up, and others will want to run and jump on you right away. Know your physical boundaries and communicate them as gently and clearly as possible, while at the same time noticing and respecting theirs. Let a quieter child know how thrilled you are to have the chance to hang out with him/her and invite them to let you know when they are ready. A more outgoing child may want you to get right down to the business of play without wasting any time. Some children will be so excited about your arrival they will begin preforming enthusiastically for you. Know that this will pass as your novelty wears off. Nothing eases a parent's mind like having a surfer who is patient, genuinely interested in and engaging with their children.
Play time
Assuming you knew of the host's young children in advance, it is fair to expect to engage with them as much as if not more than the adult host. These children are a part of your couch surfing experience, and if you elect to surf in a home with young children plan on spending some time with them. You have entered into their world and they will want to explore it with you. Part of the beauty of couch surfing is the meaningful connections we find with people across cultures, and great distances. If you aren't delighted to spend a bit of time with the younger folk of our couchsurfing community, find a host without kids. A large majority of hosts are childless, so know that you are open to interact in a meaningful way with children if you do select a host with kids.
If a kid greets you with "come play (blocks, cars, tea, puppets, drawing, etc.) in my room RIGHT NOW(!!!)" check in with the hosts first. If they are comfortable, GO PLAY! Your initial connection with this young child may pay off ten-fold in your overall experience with the family and enjoyment in their house. Establishing trust and connection with the kids will make it easier to do the same with the adult hosts as well as ease your transition into their home. In these first few interactions with the child it is wise to keep the door open to whatever room you are in if the host is not in the room with you.
If the child's idea of play does not match your own, say so in clear positive language. Remember that any particular game or toy is just a strategy for connection and play. Play and connection can be joyfully achieved through a different strategy if necessary. If the toy or game is not comfortable or fun for you, let the child know by saying something like: "Hey Johnnie, I don't really know how to play digger-bone-man-five-mile-jump-shoot but I am really excited to play with you. Would you be willing to find another game that we both know how to play?" Or "When you climb on my leg like that I feel sort of (scared/uncomfortable) because I really need (safety for my body/a little bit of space). I am really happy to play with you right now. Can we find another game that is fun for both of us and gives my body more space?" Or "I am really torn because I am really tired and I would like to connect with you. Would you be willing to play that game with me in an hour after I have had a chance to rest?" or "Would you be willing to chill on the couch and read together quietly so I can rest and we can spend time together?"
If "little kid play" is not your forte don't worry. Include the kids in your conversation, show interest in their activities, share your traveling stories and maybe a few nick-knacks from your bag with them. You don't have to go out of your way to make them the pivotal event/person in the home. Just help them feel considered and valued.
Compassionate Communication
Speak to the needs of the child rather than the actions. Avoid shaming, labeling or polarizing words such as bad/good, be nice, don't be mean, etc.
Be specific with your requests and tell the child what you would like rather than what you don't want.
For example: Avoid saying: "It's not okay to go through my bag! or "Stop it!" or "Don't hit me!" or "Be quiet!" or "Don't be mean to my stuff!"
Instead: "Please leave my bag alone unless I am with you or you ask me first. Please draw on this paper only instead of my bag. Please keep your hands off my body right now. Please speak at or below the volume I am speaking. Please hold my book with care and set it down gently on the table when you are done with it."
You are much more likely to get compliance out of the child and ensure that both your and the child's needs for emotional safety, respect, connection, and exploration are met. You are also much more likely to have a more meaningful and rewarding time with the host family, as well as an invitation for extended stay if you need it. Assure the adult hosts that you will let them know if you need additional support and that you would like them to let you know if there is a particular way they would like something handled. This puts the responsibility on each of you to have clear boundaries and communication, and frees you from trying to mind-read or guess what each other needs. Ultimatly, be patient with the child and yourself if you are not communicating up to your ideals. We are all growing and learning from each other and sometimes kid-speak is a whole new language.
Gifts
Gift-giving is entirely optional and in no way a requirement or even an expectation for surfing someone's couch. That said, some people really enjoy giving small token gifts to children. Generally, it is a wise idea to check with the parents first. Some families have a philosophical opposition to plastic, animated, or wildly commercial toys; others are unconcerned about these things. Natural wood or fabric, cultural or ecological toys are a safe bet. Safety and age-appropriateness need to be considered.
Food
Young children in a family may have special dietary restrictions. When a child sees a forbidden item in their refrigerator they may not realize it is off-limits, or they may feel disappointed or resentful that they can't have it. These restrictions could just be dietary or lifestyle preferences, or they may be for severe health/allergy or moral reasons. If your host welcomes you to use the refrigerator and does not spell out any specific guidelines, it could be helpful to ask if there are any specific items that need to remain outside the home or the children's sight. Sometimes the host may not consider this until the food item is staring them in the face, so check in advance to be on the safe side. Your host will be really grateful for your thoughtfulness, consideration, and support.
Knives, Lighters, Medication, Mace, Valuables
Simple. Keep them put away when not in use.
It is easy to forget and leave your key chain (with swiss army knife attachment) laying on the table. In a house with young children, be aware of safety. Always know where your pocketknife, lighter, etc. is and make sure it is inaccessible to the kids. Be especially careful with medications as many pills may look like candy. Sometimes, simply placing the items in a zippered pouch in your backpack is not enough. If the children are really young you may want to alert the host of any items that could be a hazard to the kids, and ask if there is a preferred place where you can store them during your stay.
Electronic equipment like cameras and laptops are really cool for little kids. Rather than leaving them out and unintentionally creating a stressful situation for you and your host - where either of you need to keep saying "no" to the kids - put them away as soon as they are done being used. Your equipment will thank you for it, and it's better for peace of mind. Remember, it is the kids' home, and they have a strong desire to explore.
Departure
If you have the typical couchsurfing experience (which is fantastic!) you will feel a little pang as you leave this wonderful family you just connected with. Be present for the goodbye. Sometimes the kids won't acknowledge you are leaving; don't take it personally. Kids are kids. Let the child know that you really enjoyed spending time with them and thank them again for sharing their home. If the kids are gone, leave a little note for them with a simple picture on it. Even the littlest ones will be delighted to hold onto something from you. They may not have understood you were going to be gone when they left, so a note assures them that time spent together was important to you and you didn't just take off. A note also gives them something to remember you by if they would like that.
This minimal extra effort requires very little time investment and will touch the hearts of your host family deeply.
Take the time to engage the little people. You are exposing them to your world, language, culture, and ideas. You are an ambassador; make sure you are purposeful about the impressions you are leaving behind. Who knows? You may inspire a whole new generation of conscious travelers.
